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Calvin & Hobbes

The Deadly 5 lb. Bag of Sugarless Gummies

Posted on 2013.10.28 at 22:35
Tags: , ,
While I was visiting my sister last week, I heard both her and her husband cackling as they sat at the kitchen table looking at her laptop. Pretty soon they were laughing so hard tears were running down their faces. I went to investigate and my sister proceeded to read excerpts from reviews on Amazon for what seems like a harmless product, a 5 lb. bag of sugarless gummy bears made by Haribo. Pretty soon I was crying with laughter, holding my sides. There are over 200 reviews which you must experience for yourself. I know I shouldn't laugh at misfortune but I swear . . . go to the site and read some of these. I am excerpting some of the best ones here below the cut. Don't miss the one titled "Rapture me please Lord."
Beverage warning! Seriously.
Gummy bears Hariboo sugarless 5 lb bag
They look sweet and innocent don't they? Delicious even. Beware!

gastro nightmare, October 25, 2013
By Tim - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
someone brought this bag of delicious grenades to my office. me and about 5 guys around me had around 10-20 each. an hour later there was all out mayhem. people were crumpled over at their desks groaning in pain. the bathroom stalls were full until the end of the day. personally, i could not make it to work the next day because it continued throughout the night. it remains to be seen whether it actually gave one guy kidney stones. i love these things but have only had the gold bag. this was my first time having the sugar free clear bag and lets just say i wish that day never happened. avoid this product like the plague unless you want to drop a quick 10 pounds in a very painful fashion

Slow painful death by Gummi Bears in an Airplane Bathroom, October 23, 2013 By I Like Cheese (living in Luckytown) - This review is for: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle.
Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet. Enough said.
My advice..... Don't use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me - 7 years ago.

Funding problems, NASA? Give this a try!, October 11, 2013
By Anonymous - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Why are we hitching a ride to space with the Russians when we could just be using these babies? If I achieved liftoff on just a few of them, a pound and a half should have no trouble getting a much lighter person into lower orbit.

Flushed, Diarrhea from Hell, throbbing stomach, lips numb, October 12, 2009 By B. Williams
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
These gummies are something that we do not want the radical islam terroist to get there hands on. From what I know now, there are no secrets that would be worth keeping, if they threatned to make me eat the gummies. First my head was on fire and my ears were pulsating. I looked down to see if someone by accident had stuck a brading iron through my stomach. It took so much energy away from me that I crawled to the toilet. This kind of diarrhea made me think of a new invention.... seat belts for the toilet. I had such diarrhea that I was producing thrust. Just as I was about to pass out, the noise from my ringing ears distracted me enough to not pass out and realize that ther was more thrust coming. Just as I thought this was over the finally came with dead lips. Yep my lips went numb like I had a shot of novacane. This was the conclusion and after my wife said she could now see my pupils again and my eyes came back down in alignment. At this point we told the 911 operator that we were going to hold off on the ambulance.

Rapture me, please lord, October 5, 2013
By Craig L
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apocalypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can't be all my s***. There's no way. That's not my s***. That's s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.
Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!
My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.
-T. Williams, an ex gummie bear purchaser.

Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012
By C. Torok -
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. . . .


I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you.

Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives
The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley what you are searching for.
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.


leaf_light at 2013-10-29 07:21 (UTC) (Link)
LOLOL In the UK artificial sweetener products come with a warning for laxative effect. Had I ever been tempted to try sugar free sweets - which I haven't and am very glad now - that has put me off for life! Poor guys, LOL.

Edited because I forgot to say that I'm in favour of gifting them to certain politicians/rabid rightwingers :-D. Excellent plan.

Edited at 2013-10-29 07:24 am (UTC)
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 17:15 (UTC) (Link)
Yes, totally in favor of sending them to certain people. These poor sots. I'm sorry to be laughing so hard, but not really. I woke up this morning and thought of death by gummies in an airplane loo and started chuckling again. It would so not be funny to have it happen to you . . . god.
spiced_wine at 2013-10-29 09:10 (UTC) (Link)
OMG, Elfscribe!
I am laughing, but those poor, poor people!

I am careful with sugarless/sugar free anything, because whatever they use seems to give me diarrhea. I am crying with laughter, but can sympathise!
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 17:17 (UTC) (Link)
I know really, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, wait, no there are some people in Congress I'd like to see this happen to.
spiced_wine at 2013-10-29 19:52 (UTC) (Link)
Change that to the Con-Dem government over here, and I agree.
samtyr at 2013-10-29 13:34 (UTC) (Link)
Just from the reviews, I think that everyone should buy these and send them to the elected official(s) of their choice. It may be the only justice we ever see them get in this life.

Edited at 2013-10-29 02:21 pm (UTC)
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 17:18 (UTC) (Link)
I concur absolutely and I'm sorely tempted to send them to a few of them.
nelyo_russandol at 2013-10-29 19:05 (UTC) (Link)
OMG. I'm dying of laughter here.
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 19:25 (UTC) (Link)
I'm sooo glad to give you a laugh. There's no accounting for tastes in humor and last night I read some of them to Laurie and she didn't think they were funny. It seems that extreme intestinal distress leads to very creative writing efforts. I still chortle just thinking about these poor sods. Btw, nice to see you re-emerge. Hugs
nelyo_russandol at 2013-10-29 20:41 (UTC) (Link)
Yes, toilet humour is not my favourite, but when it's someone else's misery... I'm just too evil.

Re-emerge? More like taking a breath before diving in again.
engarian at 2013-10-29 19:28 (UTC) (Link)
OMG what a wonderful secret weapon these are! I think the last comment, about sending a bag to every member of Congress sounds like a true winner! I haven't laughed so hard in ages - LOL.

- Erulisse (one L)
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 19:44 (UTC) (Link)
Yay! Glad to give you a laugh. We all can use one.
aglarien1 at 2013-10-29 22:01 (UTC) (Link)
Dear God. I swear I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. Seriously.
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 22:38 (UTC) (Link)
I've done that several times now. Glad to pass on the chuckle.
Jaiden S
jaiden_s at 2013-10-29 22:04 (UTC) (Link)
OMG, that's awesome. I should absolutely send these to my asshat congressmen. Great idea.
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-29 22:38 (UTC) (Link)
I know. Best idea ever.
Minuial Nuwing
minuial_nuwing at 2013-10-30 01:42 (UTC) (Link)
I laughed until I literally cried.   ...like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...  **cackles**

There are a few people in government that I would dearly love to gift a bag or two. *g*
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-30 03:16 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry to be laughing so hard at this, but it is hysterical. Yes, I seriously contemplated sending them to some people.
angelica_ramses at 2013-10-30 02:18 (UTC) (Link)
I haven't laughed so hard in years! (*wiping tears*) and yes, express delivery of jumbo size bags for *all* the members of the (so-called) government.
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-30 03:17 (UTC) (Link)
Glad you enjoyed it. Yep, I should take up a collection and send them out.
lenine2 at 2013-10-30 04:51 (UTC) (Link)
I had the Amazon page open all day and kept going back to continue reading. It's hysterical. Thanks for posting it!
elfscribe5 at 2013-10-30 05:40 (UTC) (Link)
You're welcome. :-D
chaotic_binky at 2013-10-31 23:14 (UTC) (Link)
I love reading reviews like this :)

Have you seen these reviews for the Hutzler Banana slicer? http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Or Bic pens for her : http://www.amazon.co.uk/BiC-Cristal-Her-Black-Box/dp/B004FTINS8/ref=pd_cp_office_0
elfscribe5 at 2013-11-01 01:42 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for those. Clearly there are a lot of clever writers out there. A banana slicer and big pens for her? Who thinks up these things?
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